On the hunt for feelings

(Or not, up to you)

Feelings. We have them, they exist inside of us, and whether we are present to them or not, they shape the stories we tell ourselves about what is happening, and thus all the decisions we make. This may not  be new information, but always a good foundation for operating in reality. 

Now that I have the ankle stamina to walk my dogs in the morning, I have my natural podcast time back, which means I’m quoting research to people in casual conversation again. But we aren’t casual, are we? We’re work friends, so this is super appropriate. 

The A Slight Change of Plan’s podcast with host Dr. Maya Shankar is one of my favorites, and no surprise, I was drawn in by the episode titled “The case against ‘feeling your feelings’” with Psychologist Ethan Kross. Maya (we’re on a one-sided first-name basis) opened with the fact that we’ve been told that we HAVE to feel our feelings, lest they fester and ferment into something far more destructive than the original harm. It’s the infection under the bandaid warning, which I know well. 

So when Kross (we’re new to each other) came back with “feelings are data, but we can also regulate our experience of them,” I was ready for more. Yes, we need to get the information our feelings are sending, and we may even need some of the energy from that feeling to motivate us into action. But we don’t need to surrender so fully to the emotion that we lose ourselves in it and become immobilized. Whether it’s stuck in us – or we’re stuck in it – emotions don’t need to be the boss of us. We can be the boss of how we navigate what the feelings tell us. We can feel them, set them down for a minute, then feel them when we’re ready to move in the direction they point us. 

But how? Great news: the back half of the podcast talked about emotional regulation strategies. And the level setting that we need different strategies at different times in different combinations. AND that our senses are great for helping us navigate or redirect feelings. Smell, touch, taste, sight and sound can drastically shift our focus and our feelings. Which is intuitive, but not always easy to remember when the feeling overwhelms us. 

When Kross said that people said they loved listening to music because of how it made them feel, but that not many people use music to regulate their emotions. 

Excuse me? That’s like, my number one method of emotional regulation, and I’ve started teaching it to my daughters. In the sad, early days of the divorce, Allison would sometimes crawl in bed with me (after we spent hours together in her room trying to get her to sleep) to listen to sad songs. Her favorites were Silent all these Years and Adia. Per my last email, Patti Griffin is my sad song co-pilot, but also Sheryl Crow, Sara Bareilles, Ingrid Michaelson, and our high priestess of songs with feelings, Taylor Swift. We moved into our full Taylor Era after their dad moved out, but I am proud of the sad song foundation I set before we specialized. 

At the beginning of this month, my girls started playing the music from KPop Demon Hunter. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew that I felt it. It was catchy, and some of the songs were pretty deep. But mostly it was addicting. I wanted mooooooooore. When Edie chose the movie as her special one-on-one time movie, I knew that no matter what filled the space between them, at least I would like the songs. 

I understand why I underestimated the movie, and I’m not kidding when I say go watch it now if you haven’t yet. I was so inspired I wrote a blog post about it, so REALLY go watch it. Or just listen to the music again, which will probably inspire you to watch it. This email will wait. So will the blog. 

The music, particularly the songs I reference in the blog, take us on an emotional journey. In the way that great music does, the songs ground themselves in a value - hope, hate, honesty - and take us on a ride down Emotional Regulation Lane. It will get your pulse up, your chest tight, your head bopping, your shoulders bopping, your whole body bopping! They are vehicles for processing those feelings that tug at us, whether we’re present to it or not, and moving on. 

So read the blog. Listen to Maya’s podcast. Sing the songs. Watch the movie. Hunt the demons. Smell the good candles. Taste your grandma’s favorite food and remember how loved you are. 

Onward,

Kim